Frustration is the Mother of (Improper) Invention

Being in Seattle traffic is one of many situations which can instantly put me in a sour mood. People drive way too slow, fail to use signals, and basically change lanes at will even if there is no second lane to change into. I realize people always say the drivers in their city suck, but here they really do. The only nice bone I can throw them is that they usually let you in if you use your signal (when merging). Other than that, they are oblivious to the world around them and drive like their windshield is a cloudy fishbowl.

Today, I had the benefit of witnessing some moron attempt a three-point turn in a major intersection during rush hour traffic. It was like watching a village idiot perform on a unicycle. Rather than take the logical route of completing his normal turn through the intersection and correcting his mistake by turning off somewhere down that road and coming back, he decide it was in everyone’s best interests for him to stop mid-intersection and completely change course. This wasted the green light for everyone behind him (including myself) and totally mangled the scene for people trying to go around him.

The tectonic plates of frustration were moving in my head and I felt it was my duty to call this asshole out right in public. Throughout the entire process of rolling down my window, my heart (right now a bloody beast of hatred if ever there was one) and my mind (a steely diplomat of proportional reasoning) began negotiating the slur I would use. The Beastly Heart dug through the den of vocabulary and decided that “Dumb fuck!!” was apropos for this vehicular douchebaggery. The insult was heavy-handed and had a metal club-like quality with its guttural vowel-consonant combo. The Diplomatic Brain (also incensed but to a lesser degree) thought the infraction wasn’t deserving of such harsh language and instead offered, “Jack ass!!” These two went at it for several seconds before the window was completely rolled down and I yelled:

“You goddam JACK FUCK!”

My tongue decided there would be a compromise and unfortunately, the idiocy of this exclamation resonated through the intersection. Pedestrians waiting for a hero to convey the appropriate commentary for such a stupid traffic maneuver never saw the arrival of their knight in shining, verbal armor. Rather, they got an inexperienced squire who was ill-prepared for battle. Their faces were puzzled at my choice of words. Some of them laughed at me. Others look disgusted with their faces transmitting thoughts like, “You have a golden opportunity to spank this dumb fuck, and that’s all you got?”

I sheepishly tucked my head back in my window. Inadvertently, I had made myself look dumber than this fool – an act I thought impossible.

16 responses

  1. So grateful that Lisa sent me over here. As I wipe the tears from my eyes, I’m reliving some of my own Seattle traffic horror stories. My grandparents live in Seattle and every time we visit it seems like the traffic gets worse and worse. And, you know what they ALWAYS say? Yeah, “Oh, this is GOOD traffic.” Whatever.

  2. Ah, traffic. One of my favorites, as well. Seattle sounds like Nashville…90% completely incompetent drivers. My favorite two offenses are driving 10-20 mph below the speed limit, and randomly stopping in the middle of the road for no reason (lost? imaginary turtle friend is crossing the road?). I know how you feel!

  3. As my nic hints, I am the sister of the pimp you refer to. I am only paid to comment on the Carr site, so I will be expecting a little “extra” for this one – above and beyond and all that. I may forgive the entire debt, though if you keep making me laugh like this. Each time I think of it, I get the giggles.
    Thanks for the good laugh.

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